How to support a return to resilience after birth trauma

Part of my job in listening to parents traumatic birth stories is hearing how they feel they have failed.

Sadly, parents often carry a lot of guilt, blame and shame about their difficult birthing experiences.

This often radiates into their post natal experience.

I am used to hearing; ‘it’s my fault that feeding is a struggle’ or ‘my baby can’t sleep because they are traumatised too’ or ‘my baby is poorly because of how my birth went’, and so on.

It can be hard listening to parents beat up on themselves when their situation is so challenging.

One of the things that helps is listening out keenly for that person’s resources, or the things that are going right.

Usually there is something.

It might be extended family nearby who are supportive.

It might that feeding is going well.

It might be the sleep is going well.

It might be that they have a doula or night nanny.

It might be that their partner is very supportive.

And it isn’t a case of saying ‘at least you have this, or that..’ but more a note that I take in my own mind to bring out at the right time.

It might be that I say ‘I can’t believe that even though you were recovering from such an awful trauma that you still found it in you to breast feed. What an amazing testament to your love’, for example.

Or ‘I can hear that you are shouldering a lot of the care, what would it be like if you knew that it isn’t all up to you and that your husband/own mum can do just as good a job?’, for example.

Sometimes it is hard to see the good resources in someone’s situation, and this is where being solution focused can really help.

Here are some examples for when I hear ‘I can’t cope’, or ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘it’s all up to me’ or ‘I’m not enjoying this at all’.

‘If you knew that you could cope with X (baby crying, going our alone, a sleepless night etc) what else would change?’

‘If you knew that you were doing a good enough job, exactly as you are, what else would be different?’

‘If you knew that it isn’t all down to you, what would you notice?’

‘Even though you are not enjoying this stage, there will be other stages that you absolutely will enjoy and love – if you knew that this was just a stage and that other, different, stages are coming, what would change for you?’

Ultimately, birth trauma is a unique kind of trauma because it leaves a person’s nervous system shattered.

With other traumas people get to go home, be cared for and recover. Over time their nervous system resets and they come back to themselves.

After a traumatic birth, parents have to care for newborn, endure sleep deprivation, experience more bodily assault when trying to establish feeding and physically recover themselves.

There is no opportunity for the nervous system to reset.

No wonder parents feel broken.

Part of the work is in reminding them that they are whole.

Listening for resources and being solution focused is one aspect of reminding people of their wholeness, resilience and strength.

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